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if you’re going to defend the onion calling a 9 year old black child a misogynistic slur by going ~satire~ and ~lighten up~, you had best unfollow me the fuck right now and also slap yourself in the face
I like how everything is Mario-themed except for the Castlevania game they’re playing.
A lot of people are confused about how squash-and-stretch works in animation. It’s very simple! They are just exaggerated frames in-between the “alpha frames” that makes very subtle enhancements to the animation, thus creating the beautiful flowing movement in the animated gif we see above. This technique was perfected by Glenjamin Keen Disney
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Starring: Michael Jackson, Joe Pesci, Sean Lennon
Length: 94 Minutes
Director: Colin Chilvers
Rating: G (I’m surprised)
Genre: Musical / Performing Arts
A lot of our current pop culture owes an unpayable debt to Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. One of the first tapes I listened to was Thriller, and the first dance move I could pick out of many was the Moonwalk. Heck, he even crossed over into movies and video games. More famous of those two, at least here in America, is the video game which was out in Arcades and eventually ported to the Sega Genesis. I remember the game fondly. I rented it many times from my uncle’s video store, and even as a kid I found the music catchy, the gameplay to be funny, and the game overall to be weirdly enjoyable. I could have never known back then what I know now though; that these video games were based on a MOVIE.
Years later, thanks to the power of the Internet I researched the movie and discovered that it’s never been given a formal North American video or DVD release. In Europe and Australia, copies can be widely found on Blu-ray even! Here in America, it hasn’t happened yet. And after watching a high-quality version last night thanks to YouTube, I can safely conclude my investigation as to why this film hasn’t been released here in the states: Because overall, Moonwalker isn’t even sure if it’s supposed to be a musical, or a concert film.
The film begins with Michael Jackson performing Man in the Morror at one of his concerts during the Bad tour in Europe. So right off the bat, we have a feeling this will be a concert film. Having played the Genesis game, I was already confused but willing to keep going. ”Mirror” finishes, and suddenly we’re cut to a montage of Jackson’s career. Clips of his time with Jackson 5 appear, followed by the massive heaping of media attention he received before becoming famous on his own. This is a nice retrospective reel, and in my opinion one of the highlights of this film.
Then, the film begins tripping over its shoelaces with a shot-for-shot remake of the Bad music video, except substitute little kids for Michael and his posse. I’m all for cute tributes, but at this point in the film it had absolutely zero place in it. After this long, exaggerated sigh is done with the film portion of this film actually begins. That’s right! This is one of those films within a film that take some stalling to get around to. Anywho, so the film-within-a-film begins with Jackson leaving the set of a video shoot and being hounded by claymation-looking paparazzi and rabid fans. Jackson pops on a rabbit mask and takes off on his bike, which gives way to a long claymation sequence with Jacko’s “Speed Demon.”
Eventually, after the video for “Leave Me Alone” (which is neatly incorporated within the screenplay) is over the film randomly gives us three homeless children for no reason other than giving us a plot to work with. It’s very confusing too, because these kids see Michael as their friend, and aside from a creepy sequence it’s not really established how they all knew each other. If the film’s screenwriters and producers don’t give a shit, why should anyone else who watches it? So then we’re finally given a nibble of context when we find out that Michael and one of the kids, Katie, was caught eavesdropping on a crime and drug lord by the name of Mr. Big, played by—you guessed it—JOE FUCKING PESCI. Joe Pesci is the man and everything, but REALLY?! I digress.
So we cut back to the present, where Michael is leaving a shop and being gunned at by Mr. Big’s men. Michael, however was able to leave the scene unscathed. When he’s finally found and cornered, for no real logical reason at all we see Michael transform into a sports car and mow Big’s men down. After avoiding more henchmen, Michael disguises himself in his notorious white-and-blue smooth pimp style suit we’re used to seeing him in (particularly during the game). He heads over to Club 30’s where he asked the kids to meet up with him at. The kids arrive, but find Michael is inside doing—you guessed it—some smooth dance moves to “Smooth Criminal.”
I’ll be honest with you, the rest of the movie makes absolutely no fucking sense. Eventually, Big and his men surround Club 30’s, Michael fires a gun (which actually is one of the coolest shots I’ve seen in a film recently) and runs away. Back outside, Mr. Big is threatening the lives of the kids. Michael looks upon a shooting star, and for no reason other than that it’s Hollywood, Jackson turns into Optimus Prime and Megatron’s illegitimate love child and begins kicking everyone’s asses. After Big and his men are defeated, Jackson doesn’t change back right away. Instead, he turns into a giant fucking plane and leaves. The kids are crying because he’s leaving, and I’m crying too not only because of laughter, but because I wasted my life on this movie.
Then of course, the story comes to a happy conclusion with Michael and the kids reuniting, and out of nowhere them all going to one of Jackson’s shows. There is absolutely NOTHING establishing what happened to the kids afterwards (but I can’t assume anything good because the last time we seen them it was after a stage crew member said he had something to show them and they all left the screen). But then, Jackson enters the stage, everyone applauds, he performs the best version of Come Together by the Beatle’s I’ve ever heard that Aerosmith didn’t do, then the credits roll.
Confused? Angry? So am I. This is one of those rare instances where the video games were more successful critically-speaking! This film made absolutely no sense. Now I understand why it’s never been given a North American release. Michael Jackson had to have been embarrassed by this turd. Pesci probably forgot all about this. Now, I wanna go back to forgetting it even exists as a film.
BOTTOM LINE: Moonwalker, while mildly enjoyable and great for nostalgia, is overall a terrible mess of a film. There is little sense to be made of it, and the shoehorned plot works better as a video game than as a movie. Chances are, you never knew this film existed and hopefully this review prevents you from ever making the mistake. Only for the most hardcore of Jackson fans.
3 OUT OF 10 SHOOTING STARS
Too many of you have gotten down on yourselves; You don’t think you’re doing enough for the fandom. Guess what you’re doing, that only you can do; You’re being a part of it. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you.
Thank you so much for this. <3
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